I have written exactly one previous post in my brand new, first-ever blog called ‘Brooklyn Mama in Mumbai.’ It’s about being a Brooklyn mama about to move to Mumbai, India, and now I’m moving to Bangalore instead. And to make things a bit more tricky, Bangalore was renamed Bengaluru November 1, 2014. However, because it took me so long to figure out how to change the name of this blog from brooklynmamainmumbai to brooklynmamainbangalore, I hope I will not cause any disrespect by keeping this blog’s current name. Down the road I may need to change it again.

This weekend on a walk alone without the kids along a river in Wilmington, Delaware while the in-laws were in the children’s museum watching the kiddos, D asked me how I would feel about moving to Bangalore instead of Mumbai. It might have been the half a Xanax I took (my protocol for any overnight trip with 3 small kids and extended family—love them all!), but I said I that was fine (?!?). Bangalore supposedly has a milder climate (80 degrees instead of 90-110) and more school options for the kids, so it sounds good to me. Actually, D had me at hot, instead of boiling. I already feel like I have hot flashes in December in Brooklyn, I can’t imagine what summer in Mumbai would be like. (Ah, to be 40!).

D said that he was relieved that I was so agreeable. He had been worried about how to tell me and even more so, what my reaction would be. How long he had known that the-powers-that-be would like us to go to Bangalore instead? Since Friday. How could he not have told me something this big right away—the right way to ask me be damned! The fact that he had known some new info about our move around the world for 2 days and hadn’t told me worried me. It fed into the general anxiety I struggle with—of feeling like I don’t have control over anything (this started in a big way with the years of infertility in my early 30’s, then unemployment, dwindling savings, domestic adoption, but it probably has roots in childhood stuff because I remember the yucky butterflies in the stomach feeling as far back as I can go). So the more info I have about the move, the better I feel. And I am big into prep. Probably more now than ever because D is not a big plan ahead guy, so I feel obligated to plan to make sure all the balls stay in the air.

Laying in bed last night the fear of the unknown reared it’s ugly head. It’s almost the end of January and we are supposed to move in June (hopefully after the last day of school for M and E). That’s a bit more than 5 months away. Nothing has been done for the move. Nothing. We don’t have school lined up for the girls, we haven’t even told the girls yet (how can we when so many of their questions don’t yet have answers?), we don’t know when we are going over to India to look for housing. We need to book flights, get immunizations, get passports, start going through our stuff to decide what gets moved with us, what goes to storage and what gets given away, thrown away or sold. Apparently there will be a meeting with D’s work at the end of January and dates will be decided. But until then I am left in limbo without being able to plan or systematically check things off my list. Because of my nature I can’t just sit back and wait, so I am doing what I can. I have gone through a couple of drawers to weed things out. I have a bag of clothes and one of 80’s belts (what was I thinking?) that I am going to try to sell or donate. And we are going to get the girls’ passports this Tuesday when they have the day off school. And I will continue to go through things around the house, not because it’s super productive to do so, but because it calms the anxiety just a bit to be doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

This brings me back to when D was job hunting during the worst recession in recent history, M was a toddler, and I was a mess. Would we move back in with our parents? Would he get funding to start his own business? Would he get a job? I had to wait. And wait. And try to do what I could to make things okay for my child, my husband and myself in the midst of the uncertainty. And it was hard, so hard, but we came through it.

Thinking back, there were dozens of times in my life that seemed really grim–when I broke off an engagement with someone I truly loved, when we were going through infertility, when we were trying to adopt, when we were dealing with job situations and unemployment, and it always worked out. Not how I thought it would, but even better than I could have envisioned. When I try and try to ‘do’, I just feel like I am running in circles. When I sit down with the uncertainty, in the middle of the chaos in my gut, and say a prayer, and try to let go, I am remind that God really is in charge. He has a plan that’s much better than the one that I had. And he is trying to teach me something with this uncertainly. I HATE learning it, but it’s going to make me a more patient, loving, less controlling person when all is said and done, right? Hopefully?