REALLY looking forward to having a sitter today. I wanted to run away from the childcare chores and never look back—or at least not look back for a few hours. I needed to be a party of one–a regular human being without a child strapped to my chest, just for a second. First stop was midtown to learn yoga poses that strengthen and elongate the injured area of the spine. Helpful, but my body seems to want to do the complete opposite of what it’s supposed to do in the poses. Everything I was instructed to do felt unnatural. Apparently my body is moving in ways that aren’t healthy, which is probably why I have periformis syndrome and a herneated disc. I was told that I lock my knees, thrust my hips forward instead of keeping them over my feet, that my left knee points inwards, my shoulders are uneven, and I need to remember to keep pulling my belly to my spine. The goal is for me to do these exercises at home to create space in my spine. But first I need to find the space in my life. I tried to do one of the the exercises when I got home. I was 2 breaths in when Mia came to stand next to me and yelled, “Mama! Mama! Mama!” over and over until I stopped the exercise and turned my attention to her.

After yoga I went to Dr. Cliff for some energy healing. On the table, face down, couldn’t stop coughing. So annoying for the people ‘energy healing’ on tables on either side of me, I’m sure. As soon as I arrived I wanted to leave. Now laying on my back I kept looking at the clock to see what time it was and playing with the ends of my hair. When can I leave? Trying hard not to bolt. Dr. Cliff said that this is great time of transition for me, and that he wants to help me get through it “whole, and not fragmented.” My usual MO when the going gets tough is to run the other way and hide under the covers with a book. He wants me to be able to confront the hard stuff without retreating in my body, mind or spirit. Ugh. That sounds painful.

Anyway, the energy running through me felt so jittery. The only thing that helped was when we did Stage 9 breathing, which is very hard to explain, but was a much higher stage than I am normally at, and really brought some nice energy. Feeling a bit less jittery afterwards. But I still ran out of there as soon as I was released. Went for lunch, and wanted to leave the restaurant as soon as I sat down. I wanted to get back home. As fast as I could. Missed the girls and Dan. Wanted to be home to watch Masan and Evie play in the recess yard behind the apartment. Wanted to play toy instruments with Mia or read her favorite book with her. Again, it was one of those Hotel California moments (“you can check in anytime you’d like but you can never leave”) I had been having all day. The service was great when I was seated and served, but no one looked at me when I needed a bill. I sat at my table with my wallet out and my plate empty for 15 minutes. Finally I went to the register and asked for my bill. The servers were annoyed, but I NEEDED to get out of there RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

I was so antsy to leave my house and my kids this morning, and just a few hours later I couldn’t wait to get back home. The change in mind-frame was so drastic in just a few hours. What was it? Guilt at not being with the kids, for wanting to be apart from them, or something more than guilt? Why was it so hard to sit at a table and sip tea and read a book instead of rushing for my check? Why couldn’t I focus on breathing and healing? Dr. Cliff said that there was some resistance during our session. It made me wonder if I don’t take time out for myself to really take care of myself, not because I don’t have the time or space, but because once I do I will need to figure out who I am stripped of my roles and my chaotic life. And maybe it’s too scary and been too ignored for too long. It’s easier to rush around and get home to focus on other people’s needs than peel the layers and sit with the uncertainty necessary for self-discovery. Who knows. I just want to be done with this post!